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Religion
MEN JOKES
QUIZ
IRISH JOKES
Sick Jokes
FUNNY PHOTOS
FUNNY PHOTOS 2
FUNNY PHOTOS 3
Cows and Goverment
Engineers
Words of Wisdom
HUMOUR
ANIMAL JOKESMOMMIES AND DADDIESRELATIONSHIPSDOCTOR JOKES|
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| JOKES, JOKES, JOKES, JOKES. |
| A special hello to Ann-Marie who has sent most of the Jokes...... |
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A man is walking along the beach when he notices a girl with no arms or legs sunbathing by the waters edge. Feeling sorry for her, he stops for a chat. After getting acquainted, the man notices that the girl is very unhappy. "Whats the matter my dear?" he says. She replies: "I’m 21 and I’ve never been kissed!" So with that, the man leans over and kisses the girl. Seeing that she is still unhappy, he asks again: "What's wrong?" And this time she replies: "I’m 21 and I’ve never been fucked!" And with that, the man replies: "Well dear, you're definitely fucked now, because the tide is coming in!" A Polish magician asks for a volunteer from the crowd. As the man steps up on stage, the magician hands him a sledgehammer, saying: "When I lay my head on this block, I want you to hit the top of my head as hard as you can." The volunteer agrees, and as soon as the magician gives the signal, he raises the sledgehammer and brings it down on the magician’s head, caving it in! Blood flies everywhere, and fragments of bone and brain splatter the wall behind him! The paramedics are called in and the magician is taken to the hospital where he lay in a coma for ten solid years until one morning, his eyes flutter and his fingers start to wiggle. He seems to be trying to say something! The doctors all rush in and watch as the magician's movements become more pronounced. Finally, with great effort, the magician raises both his arms, opens his eyes, smiles, and says, in a weak and trembling voice: "Ta-daaa..." A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this, saying, "What's wrong with a man telling you your hair smells nice? " The woman replies, "He's a midget." Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job." Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple: the American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it! How do we know God is a man? Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate! Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They've got boyfriends already What's the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during an orgasm! What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits! Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. Why are toy trains like a mother's breasts? They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK? One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated. What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist? Because you could easily get another pair of tits in there What do you call three dogs and a blackbird? The Spice Girls Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About eight pints of beer. An Eskimo is driving when his car starts to make a noise. He takes it to the garage and the mechanic looks at it. "Hmm, looks like you've blown a seal." "No," says the Eskimo," it's just frost on my moustache." Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!" Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard." Two newlyweds arrived at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations," asked the desk clerk. "Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the arse." After having dug 100m, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came with the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the English dug 200m, and headlines in the London newspapers read: "English scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Scots," One week later the Irish press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500m, the Irish scientists found absolutely nothing and concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using cellular phones. One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?" "Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder woman is the best sex in Comic land. Why don't you try her?” replied Batman. "I'd love to, but Wonder woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her." "Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off. Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in Comic land?" "Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder woman is far and away the best lay in Comic land, why don't you try her?" "Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realise she had got around so much" and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I’m here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed. I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me." A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For ****'s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep" What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Wales? Leisure centre. A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle." A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail!" The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite!" If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? A man left to go help in the Crusades and decided that his wife should wear a chastity belt. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him: "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life." So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?" he asks. To which his friend replies: "You gave me the wrong key!" A little boy goes to his dad and asks: "what is politics?" The dad says: "well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, She's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father: "dad, I think that I understand the concept of politics now." The father says: "good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies: "well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday nightarrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates.To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. 'I'm sorry,'she exclaims, 'I'm running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who'll entertain you while I finish getting dressed. Ishould warn you however that they are both deaf mutes'. With this she ushers him into the lounge room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little off putting as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching the football and Mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a matchstick under each eyelid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her nether regions. Dad leaps up, gives her one from behind and places another matchstick under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behaviour than the daughter returns, fully dressed, ready for their date. The evening is a total disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings-on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks,'What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?'. 'It's not you', replies her date, 'It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked.'After she pleads with him to explain in more detail, the young man reluctantly recounts the story. "Well, first your mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. Then she pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her pussy." 'I see,' says the girl. 'What happened then?' 'Well, if that isn't enough your father races from his chair, leans your mum over the couch and fucks her from behind. Then he sits back down and places a matchstick under each eyelid. 'Oh, is that all' replies the girl.The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. 'It's easily explained,' the girl says. 'Mum was simply saying, "Are you going to get this cunt a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, fuck you. I'm watching the match". This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says: "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says: "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says: "That won't work." His mom says: "Why not?" The boy replies: "Because the lady mext door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" There's this guy who's driving home from a party, when all of a sudden he gets really horny. He's driving by a pumpkin patch and remembers how they're supposed to be all wet and squishy inside. He pulls over thinking no one's around, cuts a hole in a pumpkin and proceeds to fuck it. He's going at it like crazy, when along comes a cop! She walks up behind him quietly and startles him when she says, "Excuse me sir but do you realise you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He looks her straight in the eyes and shrugs and says, "Holy shit! Is it midnight already?" A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The man says to the woman: "can I smell your pussy?" The woman gives him an icy look and replies: "no, you most certainly cannot!" To which the man replies: "Oh... Then it must be your feet!" A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflects on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks her husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replies, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undresses, she asks: "What are you thinking now?" He replies: "It looks like I did a pretty good job." |
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