Dani's Online Notebook

Hey people welcome to Dani’s online notebook. If you have this web page address it means I trust you as a friend and am prying that you don’t betray that. This is were I’m going to be putting things I write. These are personal and are meant for your eyes only. Originally they weren’t meant for anyone’s eyes but mine but some of them are outdated and explain things I think you should know about me and it’s a place were I can express myself without actually talking. So people please don’t give this address out to people and don’t talk about what you see on this page. This is my personal notebook. Sincerely, Dani

Laughter…. Playing…. Running…. Gasping… Falling…. Screaming…. Dying…. All the things my life is surrounded by.... All the things I don’t want to hear…. All the things I don’t want to see…. All the things I don’t want to smell…. All the things I don’t want to taste…. All the things I don’t want to feel…. All the things I don’t want to be…. These are the things that surround my life…. These are the things I want gone…. These are the things I don’t want…. These are the things taking the life of my friends and family and all the people I don’t know but could have if I would have taken the time to look and say hello to that one kid cowering in the corner in middle school or the kid that walked the halls alone and wishing they had more than a wish that’s not coming true and a knife in there back pocket. Wishing they had a friend or they were beautiful wishing is all they could do because they couldn’t trust anyone at all. And that’s why they didn’t live…. That’s why they got drunk and tried pot and let there grades slip until one day that knife in there back pocket that they carried since they were in middle school looked really good to them and they left it all behind and didn’t feel a thing again…. Not ever, never graduated collage and some never graduated even high school…. These are the fears I want gone…. The fear of going to school and seeing another class mate laying there in a puddle of red…. Dead…… Not knowing who is next another kid I didn’t say hello to, are my best friend….or even me…. These are the fears I want gone forever.… because I cant stand seeing the people I didn’t say hello to are my best friends laying there in a puddle of red that I know they didn’t drowned in but dyed in…. These are the things that scare me almost to that point…. These are the fears I want to send down that road that they sent so so many. There were two versions written to this. My version and the version my friend and i wrote together. This is the original version... my version. It was written as i was suicidal and wanted a way out. I was having dreams of walking through the halls and seeing my friends and people i didn’t know dead, they had all committed suicide. So i though "Well if they can and get away with it, why cant I.” I was cereous out suicide for about five months and then I found a reason not to. A person that changed how I looked at things and made me realize this wasn’t the way and wasn’t the time. But still some nights as I lie awake the thoughts come back. But I just remind myself of life and the fact that it’s pretty dam good right now.

Tears There’s nothing wrong with crying There’s nothing poison’s about a tear There’s nothing wrong with drowning a bad moment There’s nothing wrong with me There’s nothing to be ashamed of were all people There’s always sadness with happiness There’s always happiness with sadness There’s always a way to let the others know you care There’s nothing wrong with shedding a drop of water There’s nothing wrong with a simple pellet of water sliding down you cheek and There’s nothing wrong with a friend wiping it of There’s nothing wrong with crying There’s nothing poison’s about a tear Please Know Who I Am Every night I lie awake Every night I think Every night I think of how different our lives could be If you would only see how much I truly need you How much you truly mean Every night I drown in my own tears Every night I cry Every night I cry myself to sleep Thinking of how much I wish you could see Oh how I wish you could just see how much I need you near If only you could see how every time you walk in the room the room lights up for me If only you could feel my heart stop every time you touch me so slightly If you could just feel how soak my pillow is at night as I cry myself to sleep thinking of you Well it is now summer and I don’t see you everyday I can’t smile at you and hope you see me and catch on It is now summer and I can’t call you I don’t have the guts I don’t have the heart If I call and you answer my heart starts pounding so hard I know you can hear it on the other line And my words turn into silence Although I try to speak So I sit there staring at the phone only wishing you would call Because in know I can’t so it on my own I wish I could let you know just how much you mean to be and just how I feel for you But I can’t say just how I feel for you so I write it down the best I can So I’m putting this up in our busy halls Hoping you will read this Hoping you will get what exactly I’m trying to say Hoping you will know who is writing this Hoping you will look at me Because right now my heart is broken For every time I look at you your arms around another person And that person is never me For every time our eyes meet you ether look the other way or you look right through me For every time I think I have a chance I see you just walk right by me So I’m put this in our bust halls and just hoping you’ll read and know Know how much you mean to me Know just who is writing For every night when I pry it’s that you will realize who loves you oh so much And who wants you oh so near For the person writing this has a broken heart right now And a tear running down there cheek And just wants you to know Every night I lie awake Every night I think Every night I think of how different our lives could be If you would only see how much I truly need you How much you truly mean Every night I drown in my own tears Every night I cry Every night I cry myself to sleep Thinking of how much I wish you could see Oh how I wish you could just see how much I need you near So I beg of you please know who is writing this Acknowledge me in any way Look at me Smile at me Talk to me Just let me know in any way that you read and know Know who wrote about you Know who cares for you Know who but put it in the busy halls hoping you would read this So I beg of you know just know who wrote this Know who I am. Im Me and You’re You There’s nothing you can say there’s nothing you can do. I’m me and you’re you. Im the way I was made and im not changing so you don’t stare or laugh. Im me and you’re you. Im not laughing at you for me stuck up because your just like the 350 other kids. Im me and you’re you. I don’t judge a book by its cover I judge it by its words that are written and bye the fist three chapters Im me and you’re you. I don’t use my breast to get a guy to look at me I use my personality and more then the looks of a hooker. Im me and you’re you. Im not so skinny that I have to make fun of others to rub it in Im me and you’re you Im not so fat that im insecure and have to make fun of people to feel good Im me and you’re you. You and I are more alike then different but by the words that are written and the first three chapters we wouldn’t think so. Were both human, we both live in the same world Although it doesn’t seem like it sometimes Were both screaming to get out, were both here look at each other and were both reading this. There’s more to the world then looks and popularity There’s hope, dreams, and fairy tails to come true. Were both screaming to get out and if we help each other maybe we can But we’d have to go against pure pressure and against the odds it would be hard but I believe we can because…. Im me and your you And together were just normal humans screaming to get out I Dont Need Love I thought I was in love, but I couldn't figure out with whom. I thought maybe I was just going crazy, I though I might have just wishing I was in love. Or just my wishing of someone loving me was starting to get to my head. I thought maybe I was going crazy, I thought maybe I was just kidding myself. And I thought just telling myself that someone really did love me and someone always would love me would helped me get through the day. But now I know the truth, that no one really dose love me. And no one ever will. I know now I can handle myself by myself. I know now I don't need a boy to hold me to make me feel safe. I know now I don't need the love that everyone else dose to survive. I know only now that I can get through the days ahead knowing no one is loving me. But still knowing all of this I like to think to myself every now and then, maybe he really dose like me, maybe I could actually be loved, maybe I do have a chance. But then I just have to remind myself to snap back to reality and have to tell myself that I don't have a chance in hell with any one I know I don't have a chance only because Im not a slut like all the other girls Im not pretty like all the other girls Im not the other girls Im my own person and I always will I know how to handle my life and I know how not to And I know chasing my own hopeless dreams isn't the way to get any ware. But I thought I was in love, but I know it was only my stupid mind playing stupid tricks on me once again.