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| Episode 1.16 "Adventures in Babysitting" (Shades' apartment. He is vegging on the couch and watching the tube. He jumps as someone begins knocking furiously on the door, then gets up to answer it.) S: Hello? (A woman, bearing a faint resemblance to Shades, shoulders past him into the apartment. She is followed by two children, an eleven-ish boy and a small girl several years younger.) S: (incredulous) Anna?!? What are you-I mean, it's good to see you. (The woman grins, and hugs him. The two kids look on with matching blank expressions.) Anna: Hey, big brother. Haven't seen me for a while, huh? Would you mind watching the kids for a few hours? S: I- A: Look, I'm down here on business, and I've got a nine o'clock meeting in twenty minutes. I'm really rushed and it would mean so much to me if you could just take care of them for a while. Take 'em to work if you want, they'll behave. They've already had breakfast so you don't need to feed them. You're a sweetheart, you know that? And if you see Rick at the precinct tell him the alimony check is late again. S: Ah- A: Wait, you don't work at the precinct anymore, do you? You've got that investigative gig, Shadowy Confusion or something. Say hi to what's-her-name for me and I'll see you soon. (leaves) S: Um- A: (pokes her head back through door) And by a few hours, I meant all day. Toodles! (Shades, without actually agreeing to anything, finds himself saddled with two kids for the day. They look up at their uncle expectantly.) S: So, Tommy, Laurie, what do you want to, uh, do? Tommy: Do you have a gun? S: Yes. T: Can I see it? (Shades shows him the revolver) T: Have you ever shot anyone? S: Well… T: Can I see you shoot someone? S: I hope not. T: Please? Laurie: Do you have a kitty? I like kitties. S: The landlord- L: Mommy won't let me have a kitty. I want a kitty, though. S: Um- L: If I had a kitty, I'd name her Princess Fluffy Sparkles Magic Daisy Jewel Ballerina. (Shades is saved by the buzzer sounding at the door. Chaos' voice comes through the intercom.) C: Yo Shades! Let's move it! Up and at 'em! S: (through intercom) Wait a minute! (to kids) That's my partner. She's driving us to work. T: Where's your car, Uncle Tony? S: (sourly) It's in the shop. My partner used it to ram a building so we could get at the felon inside. She knocked out the left headlight, shattered the windshield and put a few good dents in it. T: (a beat) Cool. *** (Down in the parking lot. Chaos has her head outside the window of the Delorean, and is slamming the horn with one hand. The others pile in, and Chaos careens off.) T: Is this the car from Back To The Future? C: Neat, huh? I stole it off Universal's lot and painted it black. They haven't caught me yet. T: Does it work? Does it travel through time? C: Y'know, I've never tried that… What do you know, the switches are all right here, too… S: If this were a television show, that would be an upcoming plot twist. (A few moments without conversation pass as they get stuck in a traffic jam.) L: Is Chaos your girlfriend, Uncle Tony? S: HECK, NO! I mean…no, she's not, Laurie. (Chaos glares at him) I swear, I haven't been telling them anything! L: (continues) Mommy said you were a loser with no life outside of work and no steady relationships, so you wouldn't have a problem with watching us. (Chaos snorts with suppressed laughter) Is that true, Uncle Tony? (Shades sighs and bangs his head against the dash) *** (SCI HQ. Shades is trying to call someone on the telephone. Laurie is playing some sort of game with cute fuzzy animals on Scruffy (he has a Playstation function) and Chaos is teaching Tommy how to throw a knife.) S: (slams down phone in frustration) Grrrr! I think Anna's blocked this number from her cell. I swear, when I see her… C: (to Tommy) Hold it a little further down the blade… that's it! Now just sort of flick it…yeah, it's all in the wrist…(the knife goes thudding handle first three meters off target) I think we'll work on your aim a little. S: Should you be teaching him that? C: Why not? This an important skill. Have you seen the state of public streets and subways today? This is purely for self-defense, and I've warned him about the responsibilities that go with the privilege of carrying a weapon. S: Yes, but his mom is going to tear out your lungs, shred them, and then burn you alive when he starts practicing with the kitchen knives. C: Come on! How bloodthirsty can the mother of two adorable kids be? S: She's a lawyer. C: Oh. (takes knife away from the boy) I think we'll stick to the martial arts then. (Boots walks in. More accurately, she dematerializes enough to go straight through the wall, then regains solidity) B: (does double take at the quasi-domestic scene in front of her) Sheesh. Something you're not telling me, guys? (Chaos shoots her a dirty look, but Boots ignores it) What's the deal, some kind of Mu- C: Don't. B: -ld- C: Don't say it. B: -er- C: If you say it I will kill you. B: Fine, fine. (coughs) Hh*scu*h*lly. (Chaos begins making a growling noise in the back of her throat and slowly rises. Shades intervenes before the children witness a scene that will scar them for life.) S: This is Tommy and Laurie, my sister's kids. I'm taking care of them today. L: Uncle Tony, is *that* your girlfriend? (Chaos snickers) B: Aw, Shades, I didn't know you cared. S: NO!!! Look, I don't have a girlfriend! L: Is it because you're afraid of commitment? S: No. L: Don't like talking about your feelings? S: No. T: (grins) Performance problems? S: No! Where did you learn stuff like that, anyhow? T: Come on, Uncle Tony. I go to a public school. Even Laurie has a vague idea of what I'm talking about. (Laurie nods in resignation) C: Wow. The age of innocence has really gone down. S: Oh, shut up. (A beeping noise issues from a large map hung on the far wall. A small red light is blinking in the corner.) S: What the heck? C: (shrugs) I think the Batcave had one. Or maybe it was the Green Lantern. Anyhow, it seemed like a good idea. B: You need to stop with the Nick at Nite. C: (ignores Boots) We have a call on the East Side, 27th Ave. (They all race to the DeLorean. Shades suddenly realizes the kids are still with him.) S: Crud…stay here, okay? Umm…take apart Scruffy or something. B: Hey! T: (lip begins to tremble) But we wanna go with you! (His sister sniffles) S: Ah, geez. Boots, could you watch them? You won't be much use anyhow. B: Was that some kind of crack? (It is too late, as the DeLorean has left.) Dammit! Listen, guys…(Boots stops. The kids are nowhere to be found.) Oh crap. Kids? Come out! (Boots begins searching for the two juvenile miscreants. Unfortunately for her, she fails to check behind the desk, where they are hiding and snickering. She eventually tries upstairs.) T: Quick! While she's gone! (They hurry over to Scruffy and open his chest plate. Laurie pokes a wire.) * (Upstairs, Boots suddenly jerks backwards.) B: What the hey? (She does a forwards flip, then begins hopping uncontrollably on one foot) Stop that! * (The kids continue to play with the circuits. Boots can be heard yelling her head off upstairs. The yelling is replaced by crackling and static, then Boots comes tumbling down the stairs.) T: Cool! (He wiggles a magnet between two black cords. Boots slaps herself in the face. Tommy giggles and keeps doing it) B: Stop that, you little (smack) ow! You brat… (smack) I am going to make (smack) you wish your mother had never (smack) met your father! (smack) Dammit! Stop! T: Stop hitting yourself! (smack) Stop hitting yourself! (smack) (Laurie gazes at her brother in admiration) *** (Two and a half hours later, Shades and Chaos return. They are both covered in long scratches and are bleeding profusely.) C: I really wish people would stop confusing us with the fire department. S: See, this is why I was against putting an ad in the paper. C: Hey, you weren't the one who had to climb up a tree to get that stupid cat! S: You didn't have to chase the damn thing through three alleys and drag it back by the scruff of the neck! (They stop dead inside the office. Boots is dancing helplessly around the floor, while the little hooligans shriek with laughter as they play with Scruffy. Boots is mouthing the words "Help me" frantically.) L: Look! We taught her the Macarena! (Sure enough, Boots is doing a very shoddy and completely unwilling version of the dance. Shades and Chaos are doubled over with laughter.) S: (wipes away tears) Okay, that's…ha…enough… C: I… can't…breathe…oh dear… S: No, seriously, that's enough. Let her go. (Tommy pouts and lets go of the robot. Boots collapses, then crawls quickly away with a frightened look in her eyes.) *** (Back at Shades' apartment. The terrors are sitting quietly at the table. This miracle is no doubt aided by Chaos sitting nearby and pointedly polishing a set of brass knuckles. The door buzzer rings, and, thankfully, it is Anna.) A: Tony, I can't thank you enough. I hope they behaved themselves. S: Behaved themselves?!? They were absolutely horrible! They drove me up the wall, trashed my office and traumatized Boots! (Boots, wrapped up in a blanket and sipping from a steaming teacup, nods fearfully. There is a long silence.) A: Well, kids will be kids. Seeya. (She leaves and takes the children with her.) (After she leaves, they all relax visibly.) C: I am never having children. S: Amen. If Boots were coherent, she'd agree. (Boots is staring at the wall and shivering) C: But, you know…they really weren't all that bad. S: How many fingers am I holding up? C: (squints) Seventeen. S: I thought so. ROLL CREDITS |
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